Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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