can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
