my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
