True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
