Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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