she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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