Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How does it feel to date your dad?
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
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