why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
