apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
