Ketchup is God's man juice
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Are we still banned from the library?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
