I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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