my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
