The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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