His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
