i just sent this text using only my big toe
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
