you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Your penis caused this!
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