I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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