Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
