Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
