Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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