I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
