I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
