Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
