How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
