if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
