first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
