the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
