Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Dicks are not precious.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
