my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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