If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
