if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
