I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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