I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
