Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
