I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
