Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
