I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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