don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
