and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
