Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
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