Your tits are I can't wait for
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
