I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
