Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
