my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
