You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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