I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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