I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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