Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
3 2 1 whiskey
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
