I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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