Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
