He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
